2006 State of the Union Drinking Game

Make it a night to remember!

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What you need:

  • A group of four taxpayers: including 1 white guy
    wearing a Suit. 2 people wearing jeans, one in a Work
    Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and 1 person wearing
    Rags. Stitched together wash cloths are nice. Four are
    grouped around cocktail table within sight of
    television. Newspapers on floor in front of
    television.
  • A shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own
    and places on table. Suit picks one first. Then Work
    Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes last one as well,
    and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.
  • 5 bucks apiece. Everybody antes.
  • Fondue pot with 2 packages of Li’l Smokies stewing
    in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from
    Texas. Surrounded by:
  • 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little
    American flags wrapped around the top.
  • A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff
    you can find, like Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to
    drink whatever import he asks for; while the jeans get
    to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are
    required to pay for all the beer and the Li’l Smokies.

Rules of the Game

1. Whenever George W uses the phrases: national
security, tax relief, activist judges or affordable
health care, drink two shots of beer.

2. Whenever George W mentions the tragic events of
911, last person to grab a toothpick, stand and salute
must drink three shots of beer. If you stab yourself
in forehead with the toothpick, drink two more shots.

3. If George W actually says, “If Al Qaeda is calling
you, we want to know why.” first person to finish a
whole beer gets to toss Li’l Smokies at any of the
others until they finish their beer. Use the
toothpicks.

4. If George W makes up a word like “strategerie” or
“deteriorize” drink four shots of beer.

5. If George W speaks of Hamas and repeats his earlier
statement that “its good to see people are demanding
honest leadership,” the first person to stop laughing
gets to drink one shot of beer then pummel Suit with
empty shot glass. No head shots.

6. Whenever George W talks about bi- partisanship, the
last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has
to eat 4 Li’l Smokies.

7. If either the Vice President Dick Cheney or First
Lady Laura Bush are caught napping, last person to
sing “Wake Up Little Susie, Wake Up,” has to drink
three shots of beer.

8. Predict the number of applause breaks. Person
closest to correct number may then force the other
three to drink that number of shots of beer in
whatever ratio they wish.

9. Three shots of beer if he mentions New Orleans.
Five shots of beer if he mentions Brownie. Two full
beers if he mentions Abramoff.

10. Every time Tom DeLay is shown in the audience,
take turns throwing Li’l Smokies at the tv. Suit sits
out. First face hit doesn’t have to drink two shots of
beer. Every time Hillary Clinton is shown in the
audience, Suit throws Li’l Smokies at the tv. If he
hits her face, everyone else drinks two shots of beer.
Use the toothpicks.

11. Whenever George W quotes the Bible, last person to
fall to their knees and cry “Hallelujah!” drinks two
shots of beer.

12. Whenever George W smirks during a standing
ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the
audience sits down. Do it double time if his shoulders
shake with silent laughter.

Extras:

  • Whoever can correctly identify in advance the person
    giving the Democratic Response doesn’t have to watch
    it.
  • Suit gets to kick Rags hard, once if George W uses a
    heartfelt story of a pulling yourself up by your
    bootstraps to illustrate a point. Twice if the
    regulation of large cardboard boxes is mentioned as a
    security precaution. Rags gets 15 seconds to kick the
    Suit if Bush reveals the subject of the anecdote is in
    the audience. 30 seconds if he or she is sitting next
    to Harriet Miers. 1 full minute if she’s sitting next
    to an astronaut.
  • Suit takes home $20.
  • Leftover beer, Li’l Smokies and fondue pot go home
    with Rags.

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WE'LL BE BLUNT

It is astonishingly hard keeping a newsroom afloat these days, and we need to raise $253,000 in online donations quickly, by October 7.

The short of it: Last year, we had to cut $1 million from our budget so we could have any chance of breaking even by the time our fiscal year ended in June. And despite a huge rally from so many of you leading up to the deadline, we still came up a bit short on the whole. We canā€™t let that happen again. We have no wiggle room to begin with, and now we have a hole to dig out of.

Readers also told us to just give it to you straight when we need to ask for your support, and seeing how matter-of-factly explaining our inner workings, our challenges and finances, can bring more of you in has been a real silver lining. So our online membership lead, Brian, lays it all out for you in his personal, insider account (that literally puts his skin in the game!) of how urgent things are right now.

The upshot: Being able to rally $253,000 in donations over these next few weeks is vitally important simply because it is the number that keeps us right on track, helping make sure we don't end up with a bigger gap than can be filled again, helping us avoid any significant (and knowable) cash-flow crunches for now. We used to be more nonchalant about coming up short this time of year, thinking we can make it by the time June rolls around. Not anymore.

Because the in-depth journalism on underreported beats and unique perspectives on the daily news you turn to Mother Jones for is only possible because readers fund us. Corporations and powerful people with deep pockets will never sustain the type of journalism we exist to do. The only investors who wonā€™t let independent, investigative journalism down are the people who actually care about its futureā€”you.

And we need readers to show up for us big timeā€”again.

Getting just 10 percent of the people who care enough about our work to be reading this blurb to part with a few bucks would be utterly transformative for us, and that's very much what we need to keep charging hard in this financially uncertain, high-stakes year.

If you can right now, please support the journalism you get from Mother Jones with a donation at whatever amount works for you. And please do it now, before you move on to whatever you're about to do next and think maybe you'll get to it later, because every gift matters and we really need to see a strong response if we're going to raise the $253,000 we need in less than three weeks.

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