Have you ever wondered what your name would be if you were white, old, and among the many men on the GOP’s Senate Judiciary Committee? Using a simple formula, thanks to Twitter user Shower Cap, you can now create your new identity so that you, too, can fight to limit the rights of others.
Ok. Your Old White Republican Senator on the Judiciary Committee name is your freshman dorm, followed by the last name of someone who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor the year you were born, but didn't win.
I'm McCollum Farnsworth!
— Shower Cap (@CapShower) October 22, 2018
Here’s how: your freshman college dorm serves as your first name (or if you didn’t have a college dorm, we suggest using the name of your school’s auditorium), and you can choose your last name from the list of men who were nominated—and lost—Best Supporting Actor the year you were born. For example, we at Mother Jones put together our own GOP Judiciary Committee, and boy oh boy are we ready to bypass years and years of precedent to stack the court based on our own interests.
We have Rubin Dafoe (Inae Oh, news and engagement editor), Ware Stapleton (Beth Eisenstaedt, regional development director), Hillhead Andrews (James West, senior digital editor), Hayden Palminteri (Kari Sonde, editorial fellow), Cliff Loggia (Ben Dreyfuss, senior editor of growth and engagement), and our swing vote, Dinky Holloway (Monika Bauerlein, Mother Jones CEO).
For maximum enjoyment, give your senator a backstory. Myself, Anderson Thurman, represents the great state of Iowa and grew up shucking corn for pennies while his dad worked in the fields. Now, he’s a six-figure earning GOP senator who advocates for tax breaks on the rich, is against gay marriage (although he went through an experimental phase in college), and thinks evolution is a liberal scam.
But enough about my alter ego; here are some of the best responses.
— WC Minor Threat (@polishnobles) October 22, 2018
Flint Robards is here to take away your access to reproductive healthcare!
— Goblin Rizzi (@RobynRizzi) October 22, 2018
Kresge Quaid. I’m just here for the minority disenfranchisement.
— Sean Nelson (@opinionatedwino) October 22, 2018
Virginia Gardenia! People really think I’m gonna vote the right way.
— Kate “Pazuzu” Andrews (@smudgenancy) October 22, 2018
Wallace Robards here and if you are a for-profit corporation, congratulations you’re a person!
— Sean REDRUM 🔪 (@Seandrumm81) October 22, 2018
Hume Greene. Sounds like he loves Ayn Rand and telling women what to do with their bodies.
— Rebecca Has Always Lived in the Castle 🦇 (@RebeccaRennerFL) October 23, 2018
Hollis Duvall never asks a second softball question once he’s served up the first, understood?
— Michael Preston (@reallymdp) October 23, 2018
Morris Quayle is concerned about the decline of civility on the left
— Dr Death Mac-Shack (@Beth_macshack) October 22, 2018