A sordid tale of two tech-lords, an alleged affair, and a potentially fractured friendship is making the rounds, forcing us mere mortals to consider the private parts of billionaires. The offending party is Elon Musk, rendering this entire news cycle yet another trap to think about Musk’s little life—and, in this chapter, an even littler part of it: his sex life.
But I’m here to set you free. We don’t have to wonder about the Wall Street Journal’s report that Musk carried out a brief affair with the wife of one of the Google founders. They seem to be having a fun, expensive time together without your concern. Forget that he now claims he hasn’t “had sex in ages” or whether or not he recently had twins.
Billionaire trolls with absurd personalities are basically law in capitalism. But Musk is neither attractive nor interesting enough to explain the recent deluge of coverage over his private life. I’ve seen his chest. I’ve had enough. Here’s a list of stuff it seems like Elon Musk has fucked that does warrant your attention:
- That tunnel in Las Vegas
- The hyperloop thing
- His twitter acquisition
- Self-driving cars
- Men generally, especially the reply guys offering sexual favors in the replies
- Not having reportedly racist factories
But hey, life is a ledger. When it gives you Joni Mitchell’s first full set in over twenty years, it also creates mind-melting traps that force you to wonder about Elon Musk’s sex life. I’m sorry.