December 2, 1997

Your Government Official (TM)

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Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.

With regular maintenance, your Government OfficialTM should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

  1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

    • President
    • Vice President
    • Senator
    • Congressman
    • Governor
    • Cabinet Secretary — Commerce
    • Cabinet Secretary — Other
    • Other Elected Official (please specify)
    • Other Appointed Official (please specify)

  2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? (Please check all that apply.)

    • TV ad.
    • Magazine / newspaper ad.
    • Shared jail cell with.
    • Former law partner of.
    • Unindicted co-conspirator with.
    • Arkansas crony of.
    • Procured for.
    • Related to.
    • Recommended by lobbyist.
    • Recommended by organized crime figure.
    • Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
    • Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
    • Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
    • Solicited bribe from me.
  3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM? (Please check all that apply.)

    • Obtain lucrative government contracts.
    • Have my prejudices turned into law.
    • Obtain diplomatic concessions.
    • Obtain trade concessions.
    • Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
    • Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
    • Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
    • Forestall military action against self / allies.
    • Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors / targets for future conquest.
    • Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
    • Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
    • Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
    • Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.
  4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

    • Performance of currently owned model.
    • Reputation.
    • Price.
    • Appearance.
    • Party affiliation.
    • Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
    • Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
    • Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
    • Blackmail.
    • Celebrity endorsement.
  5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government OfficialTM? ______

    If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

    • Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
    • Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
    • Defect in current model:
      Dead.
      Senile.
      Indicted.
      Convicted.
      Resigned in disgrace.
      Switched parties / beliefs.
      Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: In choosing a Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

Jonathan P. Bernick is a humorist living in rural New Mexico. His column “Slings & Arrows” appears in The Frumious Bandersnatch, an online satirical newspaper.

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WE'LL BE BLUNT

It is astonishingly hard keeping a newsroom afloat these days, and we need to raise $253,000 in online donations quickly, by October 7.

The short of it: Last year, we had to cut $1 million from our budget so we could have any chance of breaking even by the time our fiscal year ended in June. And despite a huge rally from so many of you leading up to the deadline, we still came up a bit short on the whole. We can’t let that happen again. We have no wiggle room to begin with, and now we have a hole to dig out of.

Readers also told us to just give it to you straight when we need to ask for your support, and seeing how matter-of-factly explaining our inner workings, our challenges and finances, can bring more of you in has been a real silver lining. So our online membership lead, Brian, lays it all out for you in his personal, insider account (that literally puts his skin in the game!) of how urgent things are right now.

The upshot: Being able to rally $253,000 in donations over these next few weeks is vitally important simply because it is the number that keeps us right on track, helping make sure we don't end up with a bigger gap than can be filled again, helping us avoid any significant (and knowable) cash-flow crunches for now. We used to be more nonchalant about coming up short this time of year, thinking we can make it by the time June rolls around. Not anymore.

Because the in-depth journalism on underreported beats and unique perspectives on the daily news you turn to Mother Jones for is only possible because readers fund us. Corporations and powerful people with deep pockets will never sustain the type of journalism we exist to do. The only investors who won’t let independent, investigative journalism down are the people who actually care about its future—you.

And we need readers to show up for us big time—again.

Getting just 10 percent of the people who care enough about our work to be reading this blurb to part with a few bucks would be utterly transformative for us, and that's very much what we need to keep charging hard in this financially uncertain, high-stakes year.

If you can right now, please support the journalism you get from Mother Jones with a donation at whatever amount works for you. And please do it now, before you move on to whatever you're about to do next and think maybe you'll get to it later, because every gift matters and we really need to see a strong response if we're going to raise the $253,000 we need in less than three weeks.

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