April 20, 2010

420- Worthy Tips for Pick-Up Artists

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It must be 420 because I got a press release from someone who’s been drinking the bong water: It advises men how to pick up “city women” by wearing hair mascara, ankle charm bracelets, and mirdles (that’s male girdles, for all you non-pick-up artists out there). Piggybacking off the New York Times‘ fashion article on peacocking, self-proclaimed “celebrity” pick-up artist and My Jewelry Box CEO, David Mamane (A.K.A. Diamond Guy) hocks his company’s sparkling wares, along with a few others, with these oh-so-cleverly disguised seduction tips:

1. Not so good at starting a conversation?  Ask her if she wants you to open her beer with your belt.  The hipster guitar belt buckle and beer bottle opener are a great conversation starter.
2. If you’re a genius at talking the talk, lure her in by wearing a bright “notice-me” watch that says you are always available when someone is looking for the time. This red, white and blue watch from MyJewelryBox.com says you’re patriotic, leading to more conversation!  
3. Had to give up your gym membership during the recession? Look 7 lbs slimmer by wearing a Mirdle from Kymaro and explain to girls that you are comfortable with who you are and don’t need to go to the gym to look this good.
4. Charm her with an ankle charm bracelet that features a lock and key from MyJewelryBox.com. Tell her you have the key to her heart at your feet and give her this ankle bracelet if she’s worthy of it.  
5.  Lighten-Up your locks and show your softer side with the portable Fix My Roots hair mascara from Kymaro. Paint it on before you hit the town and you’ll be amazed at how you can secretly seduce.

Who among us, barring frigid, un-American spinsters, can truly say they’ve never been bedded by a patriotic watch?

In the spirit of giving, here are a few seduction strategies that Mr. Guy may have overlooked:

The TV-Hat, the television you wear on your face, will show her she’s not the only one that needs attention. Easily avoid the meddlesome interaction known as “listening.”

Penazzling. And you thought women had all the fun! Show your lady that you care by bejeweling your family jewels! Sure, she might be weirded out at first, but once she sees her initials on your junk, she’ll be rendered speechless, except perhaps to say, “God, I respect you.”

Fundies. Double your romance without doubling your laundry by buying this sexy tandem undergarment (seen above).

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WE'LL BE BLUNT

It is astonishingly hard keeping a newsroom afloat these days, and we need to raise $253,000 in online donations quickly, by October 7.

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