Don’t Ask Me to Explain. You Just Have to See This Photo of Macaulay Culkin.


(Knock knock)

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza.”

“Pizza who?”

“Pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band Pizza Underground.”

“What?”

“I said, we’re Pizza Underground. We’re a…hey, can you hear me through this thing? Look, maybe you should open the door.”

“No, no, I can hear you fine. Did you say you were a pizza-themed cover band?”

“A pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, yes. Have you heard of the Velvet Underground?”

“And what are you selling?”

“Well, nothing, really. I mean, I guess technically we’re selling pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover songs.”

“I think you have the wrong house.”

“No, look, you know Macaulay Culkin?”

“My family is just sitting down to dinner. I really don’t have time for this.”

“Macaulay Culkin? The actor? Home Alone, The Good Son? You know him?”

“Yes, I know of Macaulay Culkin.”

“He’s with us! He’s in the band.”

“Please. I don’t want to have to call the police.”

“No, look, I’m going to slide this photo under the door, ok? (slides photo under door) You see that? That’s a photo of Macaulay Culkin wearing a shirt with a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt with a picture of Macaulay Culkin on it.”

“Now does that not blow your mind?”

“Sir?”

“Sir??”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, it blows my mind.

“OK…OK! Now we’re cooking with fire! So, how about it, friend? You want to open the door and let us in? It’s freezing out here.”

“Yeah…yeah, OK. (begins unlocking door) Honey, could you make up some more spots at the table? A pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band is going to be joining us for dinner…Don’t ask me to explain. You just have to see this photo of Macaulay Culkin.”

The End.

(via Bullett Media)

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WE'LL BE BLUNT

It is astonishingly hard keeping a newsroom afloat these days, and we need to raise $253,000 in online donations quickly, by October 7.

The short of it: Last year, we had to cut $1 million from our budget so we could have any chance of breaking even by the time our fiscal year ended in June. And despite a huge rally from so many of you leading up to the deadline, we still came up a bit short on the whole. We can’t let that happen again. We have no wiggle room to begin with, and now we have a hole to dig out of.

Readers also told us to just give it to you straight when we need to ask for your support, and seeing how matter-of-factly explaining our inner workings, our challenges and finances, can bring more of you in has been a real silver lining. So our online membership lead, Brian, lays it all out for you in his personal, insider account (that literally puts his skin in the game!) of how urgent things are right now.

The upshot: Being able to rally $253,000 in donations over these next few weeks is vitally important simply because it is the number that keeps us right on track, helping make sure we don't end up with a bigger gap than can be filled again, helping us avoid any significant (and knowable) cash-flow crunches for now. We used to be more nonchalant about coming up short this time of year, thinking we can make it by the time June rolls around. Not anymore.

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